Me: Hello
Mark: We're f**ked! (from a man who seldom swears)
Me: What?
Mark: We're f**ked! I just got laid off.
So many things ran through my head in what seemed like a split second. "This can't be happening." "What are we going to do?" "I don't want to move!" " Are you okay?"
I don't really remember much of what happened the rest of the day...I think I called my friends and headed home. For some reason, I was surprised that Mark was at home for just a moment. I don't think that it had really registered that he had gotten laid off and that meant that he was not going to be at work. I felt badly for him...he had that just been punched in the gut look on his face. I had no idea what to say to him to make it better and I guess that there was really nothing that could make it better. I think that I just told him that it would be okay. He showed me the paperwork and I tried to digest what it all meant. Fortunately, yea, providentially, he was given eight weeks severance pay to be paid out as 4 regularly scheduled pay checks. Okay...at least we can still pay bills for a couple of months.
In the weeks since that fateful day, I have been upheld by the prayers of many, by the kindness and patience of my closest friends, and by an ever opening awareness of the presence of God in the smallest of things. It is this that I wish to document for several reasons...1. so that God gets the credit 2. so that I can remember His great kindness and 3. so that my children can know that the darkness of Thoughts on a Quilt is not all that there is to the story of my life.
Almost 15 months ago, my world changed irrevocably and I changed. The woman who gave me life left this life for eternal life and I plunged headlong and head over heels into an abyss of grief that I had never experienced before. My life has not been without hard things or without the knowledge of death. Grandparents died; Mark's dad died; others in the periphery died but never someone so gut-wrenchingly close. The blog Thoughts on a Quilt documents some of my journey through that terrible time. I have never felt more lost, more alone, more abandoned than in those months. I do not think that anyone who has not traversed that terrible valley can really understand the darkness and desolation. I am glad that though they don't understand fully, there are those who willingly "go there" and do what they can to try to ease the pain. The days, however, marched on and turned into weeks and then into months as my broken heart began to grasp the magnitude of Momma's death and the ramifications of it for me. Time does take the edge off and as the months passed, the pain lessened and became more familiar, less scary. Holidays approached and first anniversaries came and went with the confusion and pain that each generated: first Christmas, first time back in Baton Rouge without her there, first Mother's Day, first my birthday, first Thanksgiving, first her birthday, first death day, first burial day. After the anniversary of her burial and her birthday, it was like something changed..my heart no longer marked the days. The wound is closed...the scar is still there and a bit sensitive to the touch of a memory, a song, a picture, fingernails on my hands, fuzzy hair on a windy day. She will always be a part of my conversation, of my dreams, of my character, of my love but the grief is no longer all consuming.
During the year before Momma's death, I quit going to church. I had been dissatisfied for some months and just out of sorts with Faith because I just did not feel cared for. I did not fit in. No matter how hard I tried to make it work I just never felt a part. Justin graduated and left for college and that was a huge change and then his Freshman year, I saw my reasonably grounded son bombarded by circumstances that just did not seem fair at all. I no longer trusted in a God who cared...I no longer felt the God was in control, for if He was, he would not have let this happen to my son. Justin changed in ways that I believe are still have spiritual ramifications for him. I was MAD but I don't think that I fully realized that was the problem. Anger was the symptom...the root of the problem was a lack of trust.
Justin's struggles continued...some of his own making, some as a result of the fall-out of his early days at UTC. And I continued to be angry...offended...hurt. Life went on until the end of November and Momma died. During that grief time I felt no comfort from things spiritual. Scripture brought nothing...nothing for me. It was as if God was not getting through, as if He was not there. Intellectually, as Thoughts on a Quilt documents, I could "see" His hand, but I never "felt" it. It was like giving a hug to someone who does not want to be hugged. In hindsight, I see now that I didn't want to be hugged. I was angry...not about Momma's death...but about Justin's troubles. And the timing of Momma's death could not have been worse for his schooling...another semester torpedoed by the events of life. I am only now beginning to understand the root of my desolation and why God did not seem to be there. He was there...I just wouldn't let Him love on me.
In mid November, Brittany and I began giving Faith another try. Things have changed there as a result of the Bellevue implosion but the services spoke to me and the music blessed me and it was good to be in church again. I felt light starting to come back to my soul...church did not make me angry anymore and the coldness of my heart was beginning to respond to the warmness of His love. We went to church through December and looked forward to the services and hearing what Bro. Danny had to say.
And now, this. I have never been more scared about the future in my entire life. I have NO idea what to expect. I cannot plan for it and I don't like it. Will Mark find a job? Will it be in Memphis? Will I have to leave my support systems and my friends and family? Will I be homeless in just a matter of months? The questions go on and on and on if I let them. Soooo...we are back at square one with the same question as two years ago. Is God in control? Does He even care? In the weeks since we found out about the lay off, it is like God has little encouragements for me almost on a daily basis...reminders that He does care. There have been verses given by friends, in Sunday school lessons, sayings posted on church billboards. Almost daily there is some event that seems to remind me that He is in control and that, though unseen, He is there.
I have wanted nothing to do with things spiritual for months now...yet, when I come back, like a wayward child, the Bible study just "happens" to be on the book of Esther...the only book in the Bible where the name of God is not mentioned yet He is all over it. A book about the providence of God. So...I am learning...learning to trust. Not there yet. Waver a lot. But open..willing. I do not know what the coming days will bring...perhaps things will get much harder and seeing God in the events of my life and that of my family may be more challenging. I pray that I have eyes to see and that He continues to give me glimpses of Himself. I will not refuse to be hugged any longer. I can't say that I am still not mad at some level but I am willing to let it go. I know these things are a process.
So, I will follow Stephanie's advice and journal this new chapter in my life. It could be a very interesting journey.
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
